Connoisseur Confessions

News flash: Wine snobs lurk everywhere (as if you didn’t know). And once in a blue moon they live a story worth making fun of. With that in mind, I polled every wino I know to discover their most embarrassing or amusing wine moments. So the next time you’re feelin’ stupid about your secret obsession with a favorite nectar, read these and smile.

Jus Gotta Git Some

A guest arrived at Howard’s house lugging one of those huge bottles of wine. When the regular corkscrew failed to remove the cork, Howard the Home Depot Man donned his power drill to open the golden bounty. Wine snobs would call him gauche.

Stain Pain

Gertie (name changed to protect the drunk), after a particularly festive night of red wine guzzling, arrived home safely driven by a patient friend. Although she felt pretty crappy upon waking the next day, she congratulated herself for not having blown chunks. When her cohort arrived later, Gertie saw the actual truth spread all over the side of her friend’s white-now-stained-burgundy Volvo. Oops…

Spittin’ Fools

Dawn recalls: “I dated a wine wholesaler when I was younger. At my first big wine tasting, I didn’t know you were supposed to spit the wine out, so I was pretty hammered when the president of a winery began talking to us. When he informed me one should spit the wine in a bucket, I thought he was pulling my leg and laughed. To my dismay, my swig of Cabernet snorted right out my nose, and onto the wine bigshot. Needless to say, that was my last date with the wine wholesaler.”

Low-price Palate

Anne recounts: “I grew up with wine in my family, and my Mom and I think we know a bit about the good stuff. We picked out a decent $18 Zinfandel for Thanksgiving dinner, as well as some other good wines. My uncle Joe, a former bar owner and wine enthusiast, brought over a couple of bottles that he raved about. Well, Mom and I decided that we’d keep his “good stuff’ for ourselves and serve the “cheap stuff’ we had bought for our family. After dinner, Joe asked how we liked his wine and we admitted we had hoarded it since it was such a great bottle. He laughed … and told us we could buy it at the store for $4.99! So much for our refined palates.”

Oooh… That Smell

Debby confesses: “I use a big jug of burgundy for my beef stews, and it stays open between cooking occasions. But this last time, the stew tasted kind of nasty and bitter. I kept adding stuff to get rid of the horrible flavor, even cooked it for 24 hours, but the taste never went away. Then, I finally figured out why. The wine was so far gone it smelled rank. That’s the last time I cook with wine I wouldn’t drink.”

Busting Out

As for my own confession… I was once on a picnic and forgot a corkscrew. Well, I was pretty thirsty, and what’s a blanket lunch without wine, right? In desperate need, I struck the neck of the bottle up against a huge rock and smashed the thing open. I stash corkscrews everywhere now.

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